ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
