This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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