I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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