my soul wont recognize me after tonight
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
