If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
