When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
