dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
