Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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