My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
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I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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