I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
