I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
