So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
