well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
