im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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