I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
