Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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