It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
