this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You left your underwear on the fireplace
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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