I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
