I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
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Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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