You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We were destined to go to rehab together
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
