It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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