I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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