I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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