My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My breasts were aching with rage.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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