This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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