420 ftw
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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