I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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