This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
