Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
