So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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