I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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