Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
When did angry sex become our thing?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
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