its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
