who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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