First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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