i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
