Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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