i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
