Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
