he shaved USA in his pubs
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
