i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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