My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Randomize
