I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
