Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
