i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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