im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
