you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
