he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He shit in the fireplace
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
