dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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