I think my fart just growled at me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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