I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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