I skipped work to stalk him.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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