hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
