just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
