Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
