My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
