you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
