i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
