we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
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Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
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Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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