dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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