I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
