If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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